TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city historically recognized for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully from put. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Sure, guaranteed, let's have One more location the place American men can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: supply All people a suite around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It is that he should cease making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." Trump Tower Damascus The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from space, a feature staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It really is not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place company might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "exactly where's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is now attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort in which my PTSD might have change-down services."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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